5 Ways to Get to the HEART of Teen Entitlement

When my children were little, there were times when they got in the habit of fighting with one another and constantly trying to get their way. I used to look in their ears and down their throats and say, “Oh no, I think you have Selfishness Sickness! The Bible says there is only one cure for that: heart training.”

The next day, we’d make a “heart chart,” listing all the fruits of the Spirit in one column, followed by boxes that we would check off every time they exhibited a specific trait. I gave them one rule:

Do everything in your power today to make other people happy.

As the day went along, I kept a running dialogue: “Is there only one donut left? Oh wow, look how happy your sister was when you gave it to her!” “Thank you for helping Mama; that makes my heart so happy!” “Are you helping your brother build his tower? Look how you made him smile!” On and on it went.

As I tucked them into bed that night, I’d ask them how their hearts felt. Inevitably, they would say they had the best day, and their hearts felt much better than the day before. We discussed how God’s way doesn’t always make sense to us; it seems like putting ourselves first and trying to get what we want will make us happy, but it doesn’t. Serving others, however, ends up bringing us joy. God’s way is always best!

With a smile and a hug, we’d say our prayers, and then before I closed the door, I’d say, “Don’t worry, the first day is always the hardest. It will be easier to do it tomorrow.” Without fail, they would sit straight up in bed and wail, “Wait, what? I have to do this again tomorrow?!”

Serving others doesn’t come naturally to us, no matter how old we get. It is especially difficult during the teen years.

There’s a popular social media trend right now that jokes, “Please pray for my son who had to unload the dishwasher when ‘he just did this yesterday and he’s tired.'” We get it, right? Every mom of a teenager has experienced similar moments. After another long day of working, cleaning, washing clothes, grocery shopping, managing multiple schedules, shuttling kids to activities, and making dinner, you ask your teen to complete a simple family chore, and they have the nerve to act like they are being persecuted! What’s a mom to do?

Teen entitlement is a HEART issue.

We can blame it on a lot of different factors, but at the root, teen entitlement is a heart issue. As Jesus reminded us, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). Teenagers naturally live in a self-focused world, valuing personal gratification above everything else. This message is constantly reinforced by a world that tells them to “Do what makes you happy,” “Be your own boss,” and, of course, “Trust your feelings and follow your heart.”

However, these messages go completely against Jesus’ commands for His followers. In Mark 9:35, He reminds His disciples that “the first shall be last and the last shall be first.” In Luke 9:23 (ESV), He declares, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” During his last meal with his disciples, Jesus took on the role of a servant, kneeling before each of his friends, taking their dirt-covered feet in his hands, and gently washing them until they were clean, thus setting an example for us of what it looks like to put others first (John 13:15).

Jesus made it clear that our calling as disciples is to surrender our rights under His lordship and lead others by following His example of servanthood. This obviously does not come naturally, especially to teenagers—it must be taught and encouraged. While we can’t exactly make them a “heart chart” like we did when they were little, there are some specific ways we can help them reframe their priorities and refocus their hearts.

Here are 5 action steps that get to the HEART of teen entitlement.

H— Help others.

Give your teen as many opportunities as possible to help others. Whether it’s specific family responsibilities, coaching younger kids in sports, doing yard work for an elderly neighbor, or serving in the church nursery, helping others will help your teen recognize the world is bigger than just what they see in the mirror.

E— Exit your comfort zone as a family.

One common reason that teens feel entitled is that their worldview is limited to their own experience. Finding ways to expose them to how other people live provides much-needed perspective. Serve at a food pantry, help with a homeless ministry, volunteer at a nursing home or with Habitat for Humanity, get involved with a crisis pregnancy center, a pediatric hospital ward, a prison ministry, or go on a mission trip. Stepping out of your comfort zone as a family exposes your teen to how other people live and shows them that helping others is something we all need to do, not just something you’re trying to make them do.

A— Acts of Kindness.

Another simple way to help teens think of others is to be intentional about practicing random acts of kindness. Look for opportunities as a family to be kind in the moment. It can be as simple as holding the door for others, leaving a large tip for a server, making cookies for a friend, or giving up your seat to an older adult. The goal is simply to form a habit of thinking of others.

R— Raise the bar.

One of the dichotomies of parenting is that when we serve our kids, thinking we are helping them by modeling self-sacrifice, we inadvertently reinforce the idea that the world revolves around them. In contrast, when we expect more from our teens, they generally rise to our expectations. Giving teens family responsibilities reminds them that their actions affect more than just themselves. Requiring teens to make, spend, and contribute their own money on certain things teaches them the value of financial responsibility. Allowing them to experience natural consequences when they fail to meet these expectations is how they develop a sense of personal responsibility, especially when it affects other people.

T— Thank God for your blessings.

It is difficult for gratitude and grumbling to coexist. Creating frequent opportunities for your teens to name what they are thankful for helps them shift their focus from what they want to what they already have, which grows contentment. Starting a gratitude journal or a family blessing jar are simple ways to build a habit of thankfulness.

Implementing some of these action steps can help us get to the HEART of teen entitlement. By focusing on the heart rather than just their attitude or behavior, the Holy Spirit can transform them more into the likeness of Christ and produce His fruit in their lives. And that makes all the difference!