How Your Words Shape Your Marriage

Our church does 21 days of prayer and fasting in January. This year, instead of fasting sweets or social media, I decided to fast negative thinking. In recent months, it has become very clear to me that my negative thinking is affecting my life and my relationships.

The words I say often reflect what I am thinking, and they are not always true. The fast was not easy, and I was shocked to see how negative my thought life had become. One day, I was talking with my coach, and she pointed out some negative thoughts I hadn’t even noticed.

Growth in Marriage Happens Over Time

Establishing healthy relationships is one of the hardest parts of living this life. They are complex and overwhelming at times. Add the nuances of your mind, how it works, and the evident emotions; it truly is a miracle we are able to establish good relationships at all. However, there will always be the need for connection in relationships.

January 2025 is not the first time I have had to combat my negative thinking. There was a point in my marriage where I had to intentionally stop thinking about how much I was angry at my husband. Sometimes, I would just automatically think that I disliked him. This wasn’t a true thought because I love my husband. This automatic thought would pop into my mind whenever I was angry or upset with him.

You offspring of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. The good man, out of his good treasure, brings out good things, and the evil man, out of his evil treasure, brings out evil things – Matthew 12:34-35 (WEB).

In Matthew 12:34-35 it is very clear where our words come from. They come from the abundance of the heart, and what we think about people influences our words toward them.

Fill Your Heart With God’s Truth

God’s Word says to hold every thought captive. When you hold every thought captive, you sift through what you are thinking in order to see what is true and what is a lie.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ – 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV).

When you remove the lies and temptations, you will need to fill your heart and mind with the truth of God’s Word. This is done through sermons, Bible Studies, and prayer.

Cleaning up your thoughts without replacing them with God’s truth is like doing a living room makeover. You throw away all your old furniture but do not buy anything new, leaving you sitting on the floor in an empty living room. Throw away that old couch that doesn’t serve your marriage (your negative thoughts) and replace it with a nice sectional and a cute new end table (God’s Word).

Positive Communication in Marriage

Positive communication in marriage requires a positive mindset. Embracing this change will lead you to growth within your marriage. Begin by asking yourself how you would like your spouse to communicate with you. This is the golden rule and is the foundation of every healthy relationship.

If you want your spouse to listen to you and be gracious and forgiving, then you will need to practice doing the same for them. There are no winners when the goal of communication is to “win” or “demand your way.” This is not loving and often results in tearing the other person down.

Make up your mind how you want to respond and then stick to that boundary. If the words coming out of your mouth are designed to bring your spouse down, then take the positive approach and walk away.

Affirmations For a Stronger Marriage

Replacing negative thoughts means thinking about and speaking out the positive. Here are just a few positive affirmations you can say to yourself and to your spouse for a stronger marriage:

1. I trust You, God. I trust you with my marriage, my heart, and my emotions.
2. I am proud of you for _________.
3. I can see how much we’ve grown throughout the years.
4. I can’t change the past, but I will be intentional today.
5. I appreciate the sacrifices you have made for our family.
6. I did the best I could with what I had known.
7. My spouse did the best they could with what they had known.

The first affirmation is my favorite because it is where I go when I feel overwhelmed by the unknown and struggle with past events that haunt me.

Tips For Practicing Forgiveness

If your goal is to be right, then you are probably wrong. You might have your facts straight, but your heart is not in a good place because it is shrouded in pride.

Your words shape your marriage by encouraging connection. Practicing forgiveness requires humility. It will be difficult to forgive your spouse if you cannot stop thinking about how wrong they are. The truth is, we all need forgiveness.

Some ways you can practice forgiveness:

1. Share the offense with your spouse. Don’t shy away from being open about how the offense made you feel. Go into the conversation knowing they can never take back what they did or said, and with a merciful heart, knowing we all make mistakes.
2. Tell God what has happened and that you need the Holy Spirit to help you forgive.
3. Pray for your spouse. If they are not living a life that is honoring to your marriage or to God, then write a prayer that includes the vision you have for their life.
4. In Romans 12:19-21 it says don’t seek revenge yourselves and overcome evil with good. Serving your spouse, offering words of encouragement, and praying for GOOD to come into your spouse’s life is just one way you can practice forgiveness.

God’s Word says, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Luke 6:37-38 NIV).

It is important to remember God’s truth that our unforgiveness and sin will never be justified by our reasoning and excuses. I know there may be real offenses that happen, and wisdom needs to be used to determine if a relationship can be reconciled. However, practicing forgiveness is not just for the person who hurt you; it is for healing to take place in your heart.

Marriage is difficult, but if you are a believer in Christ, you do not have to do it alone. You can lean into God’s Word, knowing your words have the power to shape your marriage into something positive.