I’ve heard it said that when you become a mom your identity can get lost in your kids. I have never really felt like this. I know my identity is in Christ. I know I’m more than Vivi’s mom. And quite frankly, what does that even mean to lose your identity in your kids? I don’t feel like I’ve ever understood the how of it. It just seemed to be a cliche phrase to me that moms used that I thought I’d never understand.
Yesterday I was able to pinpoint and see how this has happened in my life.
My life has felt pretty out of control the last month or so. All good things swirling around, but I can’t seem to stop it from spinning. I can’t seem to focus long enough to tackle one area at a time. It’s a series of pinging into different things, quick touch points, but nothing at all deep or meaningful.
AS A MOM
When it comes to work, I approach my work as a mom. I don’t approach my work as a creative entrepreneur. And because of that, each time I sit down to my desk, I’m paralyzed with fear that I can’t do this. That I have no idea where to start. That there is too much to do. That Vivi is probably about to wake up. I used to approach it with confidence and excitement because I saw myself as a creative, motivated designer.
So this is losing myself in my identity as a mom. I know being a mom will affect all areas of my life, but it doesn’t mean I am no longer the creative business driven gal I once was. I have forgotten that it is possibly to be a creative designer AND mom.
BEING A WIFE, AS A MOM
When it comes to my marriage, I have started to approach it in an incredibly needy. I of course WANT Tyler, but I NEED Tyler more than ever right now. Before we had Vivi, if Tyler and I differed opinions on things, I was much more laid-back because the result, either way, wasn’t going to rock my world. It was easy to not pick battles. We both were strong independent people.
My need for Tyler has made me so incredibly dependent on him. I have forgotten that I am able to change my attitude and approach to Vivi. I have forgotten that if Tyler comes home a little late, it is not the end of the world and I’m not so weak that Vivi and I will fall apart without his prompt arrival. I have forgotten that I need to pray for God to fill me with strength.
I have seen us as one entity, which is a Biblical analogy. But I’ve taken it to mean something not so beautiful. I’ve let it take over who I am and have seen everything Tyler does and focused on how it affects me. And forgotten that I can have a positive (or negative) affect on my family and marriage.
I literally stood a little taller in my row while we sung worship songs in church when this realization came to me.
I was becoming a victim of my circumstances (even really, really good ones) and letting life happen to me instead of letting God work through me to make things happen.
It’s no way to live, y’all. And it seems to be the reason for so many frustrations I’ve had lately. I haven’t been living to the potential God created for me. My potential as a designer, as a wife, and even as a mom have been shaped by my singularity of mom mode. I’m better at all three and have more confidence when I remember that I AM ALL THREE.
I have been praying a lot more about confidence, not something I normally struggle with (which can be good or bad! I didn’t even realize till now why this was now a part of so many of my prayers, but it’s because I haven’t felt all that confident in these I used to do well.
I’m so thankful to have a God Who calls things to light and speaks to us. I don’t have a five-step list of how to find your identity or a cute worksheet. I simply have to remember who I am and realize I didn’t lose that side of me when I became a mom or wife.
So ladies, how does this identity struggle affect you? Maybe after reading this, you are just realizing why life has felt just a bit “off.” Or maybe you're a stay at home mom. It doesn’t have to be work that has gotten lost when you because a full-time mommy.