Is Your Marriage Divided? How to Guard Against Competing Loyalties

Have you ever heard the phrase “divide and conquer?” Division of loyalties weakens not just opponents at war but can create distance and eventually weaken relationships on a micro-personal level, including but not limited to marriage. Work, technology, personal ambitions, family of origin, and friends are common loyalties that can compete with the time and energy we spend on our spouse.

There is another phrase that is often applied to marriage – “happy house, happy spouse.”

King Solomon offers advice on how to do just that in Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) by warning, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

In addition to guarding your heart, putting God and your marriage first is paramount to a successful marriage. Below are four practical strategies to unite your marriage while guarding your heart from competing loyalties.

Open and Honest Communication

The first step in strategizing to combat competing loyalties in your marriage is to be honest with yourself and your spouse. Open and honest dialogue is the best line of defense. Ephesians 4:25 (NIV) advises on the importance of speaking truthfully, and while this instruction is aimed at how we interact with everyone, it is still particularly relevant to marriage.

Learn and practice active listening with your spouse without dishing out judgment or becoming defensive. Take turns actively listening and expressing your individual needs and expectations. This step opens the door for setting your priorities together as a unified front.

Set Priorities Together

Setting priorities starts with sharing your values, creating a priority list, and managing your time. These discussions help to shape how you use your time based on what you want for your marriage. This is where working together, as illustrated in Genesis 2:24 (NIV) as “one flesh” becomes so important. This factor is especially true when competing loyalty involves a family of origin. While we are to love and respect our respective families, once we get married, after God, marriage is the most important entity and should be our focus.

Another consideration for competing loyalties is evaluating how much time you spend with technology versus your spouse. In the high-tech, fast-paced society we live in, where social media dictates much of the way we spend our time and often how we spend our money, it would behoove us each to assess how our usage of technology impacts our marriage relationship. Abundance Therapy Center has some great strategies that couples can use to embrace communication, specifically addressing technology use. A couple of suggestions include scheduling digital breaks and “tech-free” activities. We do this in our home at least twice a week. Everyone places their devices in a basket. We use that time to talk, cook together, play games with the kids, and watch a “no-scroll” movie, meaning phones down and off Facebook, TikTok, etc. We also prioritize mealtime as “no-scroll” time. These priorities keep us present with each other and our kids.

After we place our priorities in order, we are ready to move on to create shared goals.

Create Shared Goals

Amos 3:3 (NIV) says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so.” In other words, creating shared goals becomes the path you walk. As the scripture points out, we agree to do this when we get married. What does this look like?

This goes back to open and honest communication. Once you both know what you are looking for, it is time to discuss what is important to you as a couple. Shared goals embody your vision for the future.

It’s also an opportunity for joint projects. These could be activities you do together. For instance, my husband plays guitar, and I am an avid reader and writer. I go with him to see bands play or hit the guitar shops, and he goes with me to workshops and bookstores.

Sharing each other’s interests, hobbies, and goals is one of many ways that couples can cultivate unity.

Cultivate Unity

The Apostle Paul tells husbands precisely how they should treat their wives in Ephesians 5:25-33(NIV). “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

The advice applies to how we can treat our husbands with love and respect as well in our role as helpmates. We cultivate our unity by loving God first, our spouse second, our children third, and then the other loyalty areas of less ultimate importance.

Guard Your Heart With a Three-Stranded Cord

The scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:15 (NIV), “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” This means that we find our strength together, working as one to support each other. We strengthen that bond when we guard our hearts, prioritizing God and then our marriage relationship.