What Could Letting Go Actually Feel Like?

They flanked me on all sides, almost as if a pool triangle had been placed from above, set perfectly around my family, with me in the middle. My husband led in front, my oldest and middle bordered my left and right, and my youngest walked behind like a diamond wrapped around this mama. I noticed the formation and enjoyed it quietly for a minute, appreciating being surrounded by them this way. As the shortest by far, I felt safe and seen with these men of mine on every side.

Then I said, “Guys, I’ve never felt safer.” And they all looked at me and then at each other, at how they’d silently fallen into place this way. And they smiled, calling themselves my secret service, walking a little taller.

As we ventured on in this unplanned formation, I enjoyed both the stroll and the scenery. I didn’t need to weigh in on where we were heading or add direction. In fact, I felt peace and joy in the journey.

This is not my normal.

My husband can vouch for that. In fact, God can also vouch for that.

I love to give direction and share my ideas about all things. Hey, God, isn’t this the right way? What about this path over here – this one that looks easy and beautiful? And oh, these are pretty places where I could linger…

And then I’m disappointed. Confused. Sometimes even heartbroken.

But to be nestled between these beloved men gave me an entirely new picture of trust. Safety. A feeling of letting go, which, may I just say, is an actual miracle for any mama on a family outing.

Was this sense of security a glimpse of what it could feel like to trust God completely?

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 139:5 because it promises His guidance: “You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.”

When I’m in difficult circumstances or anxious places, I repeat this as a breath prayer: “You go before me, you go behind me, you are here beside me.”

As I pause in these quieter weeks of January to reflect with Jesus on where we’ve been together in the last twelve months and look to the year ahead, this scripture is now linked in my heart to this image of my men walking with me.

Friend, I have quite a list of things I didn’t get right in 2024. I said things I shouldn’t. I let my emotions speak for me before I processed them. I tried to control things that weren’t mine to control. I longed for things here on Earth that take my eyes off Jesus. I got in my head. I ate too much sugar. I clung to things I thought “should” be; things I needed to let go of.

But Jesus’ kindness comes when we hold space to talk with Him about where we’ve been and where He’s taking us. Jesus will speak into our wounds and longings, soften our heavy hearts to reframe them, grow us, and lead us into healing and wholeness.

And this year, part of the learning was to understand what letting go can actually feel like.

Weeks before this accidental diamond-shaped Hammar formation, I drove to my local nature center to pray about some hard things. I was still in my car when I heard Him whisper, “Lay it all down. Surrender all of it.” All of it—not just parts and pieces, not just the easy places—no, He meant all of the whole everything.

And then, weeks later, I looked up to see my men literally walking before and behind me, hemming me in on all sides. As I walked with them, I felt safe, lighter, and content. I wasn’t anxious, didn’t overthink, and didn’t even direct.

I just walked.

I let go.

Jesus gave me a glimpse of what surrendering all of the whole everything can actually feel like.

And I felt free.

What if the God who knows my soul better than I do would lead me with even more care than these men of mine?

If I truly believed that, could I actually surrender all of my whole everything?

Because if we let Him, He will lead all of it.

We can look to His Word for promises that He not only has a path for us, but also that He is on the path with us. When we waver or question or find ourselves tempted to take control (ahem: anyone else?), we can return to surrender:

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

“The LORD your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you, just as you saw him do in Egypt.” (Deuteronomy 1:30)

“For the LORD will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind.” (Isaiah 52:12b)

“This is what the LORD says: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains.” (Isaiah 45:2a)

This year, my heart is to surrender all of it, and friend, I’d like to invite you along with me. May we seek Him first, listen for Him, and then resolve to let Him lead.

“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. (Psalm 139:5)